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I'm not saying that everything is survivable, just that everything except the last thing is.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Adult Life Tips

As a human being questing through life I have learned many lessons, and as a result I have come up with some life tips.  So to all of you who need some guidance through this weird world here you go:

  1. Wear socks.  Seriously!  If you're wearing shoes then PLEASE wear socks with them.  If you don't your feet will reek like none other, and how are you supposed to win at life if you have stinky feet? 
  2. Always have cereal and milk at your house.  Sometimes you just need food NOW and preparing something to eat is just out of the question; even boiling water for Ramen is hard sometimes.  So just pour yourself a nice bowl of cereal and eat up!
  3. Just do it.  You know that thing you're supposed to do but you don't want to?  Do the thing!
  4. It's okay if you don't know how to pronounce that word.  Yes, you've probably read it a thousand times, and you know exactly what it means, but that doesn't mean you've ever heard it pronounced before.  So don't sweat it when you're entire cast starts making fun of you.
  5. There's a feat for that.  And by feat I mean an Internet tutorial.  If you need/want to do something I'm almost positive that there will be a tutorial for it, whether on youtube or wikihow.  Just google it.
  6. Use Q-Tips.  Use them.  Do it!
  7. Invest in good underwear.  Seriously, a good pair of underwear can go a long way.  If you're having a bad day and you are wearing that horrible pair of underwear that make you feel itchy and uncomfortable, it makes that bad day so much worse.  So just throw that underwear away and buy yourself some nice ones!
  8. Wear deodorant.  Don't you want to smell good?
  9. Plants trick people into thinking you have your life together.  Even if it's just that fake tree in your house that you stole from your former dorm.  Or even better, get a cactus!  They're real and require very little effort.
  10. Be yourself.  Unless you're a fairy.  Then be a fairy.
  11. Duct tape is amazing.  It can do everything from holding your super attractive James Dean cutout together all the way to keeping children in their cribs while you're babysitting.  (There is a story behind that last one, if you're interested in hearing it just ask.)
  12. Bubble wrap can be an acceptable gift.  Think about it.  If you were having a birthday and somebody gave you bubble wrap wouldn't you be totally psyched?
  13. Don't sneeze when you need to pee.  Or laugh.  Or cough.  Or anything else like that.
  14. Keep your eye on the ball.  Whether you are playing ball, watching, or simply in the same room as a ping-pong table, the second you stop watching that ball will be the second it decides to bop you on the head.
  15. If you know you're wrong, admit it.  Unless you want to be a fart bag.  Then have fun smelling like butt all your life.
  16. When life gives you lemons, take them.  Free stuff is great.  Then you can put lemons in your water, and that's fantastic!
  17. Only trust people who like big butts.  They cannot lie.
  18. Go after what you want.  Whether it's that cute guy/girl you randomly see or your dream job.  Go for it!  Even if it doesn't work out you at least tried, and more importantly now you know what not to do next time.
  19. Make sure you have your keys before locking your car.  Trust me on this, it only takes a couple extra seconds to check.  Plus if you lock your keys in your car you will have a terrible day and most likely pee your pants in your bosses office, and nobody wants that.
  20. Don't trust boys, they'll break your stuff.  Sometimes it's your heart, sometimes your patience, and other times it's your Gameboy and you could just wring their little neck for even touching it. 
  21. Don't harshly judge others.  Yes, I know that guy who sits on the corner and squeals like a pig when people walk by may creep you out a bit.  But maybe he's working through some stuff and this is the only way he knows how.
  22. Always speak politely to an enraged dragon.  And by enraged dragon I mean me when I'm angry.  Seriously, don't do it.  For your own safety.
  23. Never play leapfrog with a Unicorn.  'Nuff said.
  24. Llamas with Hats make everything better.  Broken hearts, broken bones, broken Gameboys.  Simply laugh away the pain.
  25. Eat what you want, when you want.  And if people make fun of you for your weight, just eat them too.
  26. Always carry salt with you.  You never know when your going to need to make a salt circle to cower in while waiting for Dean to come save you.
  27. Own lots of scarves.  Not only do they keep you warm when it's cold outside, but they also look good, and can be used to hide that really weird rash you got as an allergic reaction to an antibiotic you were taking.
  28. Get a library card.  Having fun isn't hard when you've got a library card.
  29. Climb lots of trees.  You get to see more when you're up in a tree.  Plus the better you are at climbing the closer you are to being Katniss.
  30. Learn how to change a tire.  You never know when you're going to be traveling with a good guy friend who doesn't know how and will need you to show him the way to manhood.
  31. Use your skill points wisely.  Not only does this apply to D&D, but it's useful in life as well.  Use your hours wisely and practice whatever you want to get better at.
  32. Don't enter the pool by way of stairs. It's just not cool man.
  33. Never mention a sunburn to your friends.  They will make you feel the burn in the worst way possible.
  34. Learn how to drive a manual car.  You never know when your going to get the chance to drive a really fun and fast car.  It would be so sad if you couldn't take the opportunity simply because you've never mastered the stick shift.
  35. It's okay to go to the movies by yourself.  Sometimes it's even better than going with other people.  
  36. Never call someone before 9am or after 9pm.  You never want to accidentally wake someone up.
  37. If you have to be in a fight punch first and punch hard.  Especially if your small like me.
  38. You're never too old to need you mother.  Trust me, she has great life advice.  Utilize this!
  39. If a street performer causes you to stop walking then you owe them a dollar.  If it entertains you enough to stop and watch you can spare the four quarters.  And if it's really entertaining then I'm sure you can scrounge up a couple more bucks.
  40. Don't knock it till you try it.  I'm not saying you have to try it, just don't judge it when you have no life experience with it.
  41. Don't underestimate easy shots in a game of HORSE.  In all honesty I usually lose when I try to make trick shots, but when I play easy I at least get close to winning.  But to be even more honest, I hardly ever win.  Maybe even never.
  42. Make sure people know you're awesome.  Guys, just so you know, I'm the most awesome person in the universe.
I could go on... but that requires more brain power than I want to use right now.

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